Sunday, May 31, 2009

...And Satifaction Brought It Back

There is no cure for curiosity. I have yet to find any sort of twelve-step program to help me rid myself of my obsession with being the back-stage know-it-all. Oh, I don't like to let everyone know that I know it all. That I know their darkest secrets, their middle names, how their pet Willy the goldfish died last week, or any of the odd assortment of interesting facts about people that you pick up when talking to other people about them. You would be shocked the things people will unknowingly divulge to a listening ear that doesn't react like their news is any surprise. Honestly. The best way to get stories out of a person is to pretend like you already know everything they are saying, to not give them any sort of fantastic reaction from their traded bits of fluff that they've pulled from the lives of others. It makes them want to tell bigger stories, greater secrets, more shocking intrigues, and basically just more interesting information. How I came to be aware of this fantastic trade secret is a bit of a sad tale I fear.

Most children dream of becoming something important, someone who is idolized by the others around them, or accomplishes a great deal of good in the world. Doctors, Firemen, Lawyers, Presidents, Senators, Police, Public Performers and Millionaire's. Even Dentists. But because I am my mother's daughter and well, just a bit of an oddball, I had a desire from very early in my life to break out of the norm. I was going to be the worlds most clever international spy. Mind you, this is before the popular Spy movies began dominating the cinematic scene and long before I was ever allowed to watch any movie even alluding to the indomitable James Bond. I began my career training very early. I taught my young friends and cousins my cunning tricks of discovery. We snuck around corners, read secret correspondence (left on countertops), snuck taboo items from their hiding places (generally food), analyzed dust specks and left strings of hair and yarn over drawer openings so we would know when someone unwelcome had entered (a trick I picked up from the very authoritative and credible Mary Kate and Ashley Detective series). I was on my way to insurpassable success.

It was after reading a rather stupendous spy novel in my early teen years that I stumbled upon the secret that would both make and break my sensational lifes-work. Simply talking to people, this book suggested, is the best way to discover the inner workings of their lives. And so the gossip gathering began...

You will never hear me deny it, gossip is poison. It has caused me more problems, more unnecessary strife in my life than I even want to consider. Don't worry, I will not here detail the many incidents of indisgression on my part or that of my compatriots. I have simply to say, the picture of the girls passing black goop from hand to hand in the Mormonad passed around in seminary is a rather extremely accurate visual representation.

After a particularly nasty incident of gossip reaching the wrong ears in High School I was reading the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet on a challenge from a young women's leader whom I am sure was incredibly sick of dealing with the outcomes of mine and my dear young friends' drama. Gossip, I read, is bad. It is destructive and evil and a disciple of Christ will not participate but will draw in those they feel the least charitible towards and learn to love them. Ok, so that's not really what it said, but that's the basic lesson I picked out of it.

Well crap. There went my greatest source of power, my secret weapon, the ability to sow ultimate destruction! I determined then that being a disciple of Christ was simply more important to my life than being able to hold secrets above the heads of my peers and manipulating them to do as I wished. BUT I thought, aren't there characters in the Book of Mormon who accomplished great feats by knowing the minds of their enemies and even their kin, even saving hundreds of lives? The answer: OF COURSE THERE WERE! My dream was reborn! A true spy, I concluded, will hold their secrets, will use the information only for good and will be selective of the sources which they will pass their gathered secrets to.

Okay okay okay, I know-I still have horrible trouble with gossip and you all know it. I'm sorry. But at least you know now, I am working on it ;)

Old habits die hard, and I seem to permanently be the honey that draws in information-holders and screams, vent to me! Tell me all your secrets, let me be your confidante! You will invariably find that no matter where I go, or what kind of social group I associate myself with, I will very quickly become bestest friends with the Gossip. The public know-it-all. The magical person who everyone else comes to to confess all their greatest misdeeds, hidden passions and unbridled desires. The trusted confidante of nearly everyone else. They even oft-times become my own confidante. But I'm not going to lie to you, I love it. I love hearing peoples' stories, I love hearing people analyzing their own lives and the lives of others, I just love the idea of people (though the reality is sometimes a bit unwelcome, I'll admit).

This is probably why I am a history major. Everyone knows History Professors are nothing more than Professional Gossips. They analyze not only the people in their own lives but all the people throughout all time! A History Professor is someone whose curiosity never dies, someone who wheedles people, places and artifacts into telling their stories so that we can cast it in iron and project it to the whole world! We are the sneakiest spies in the world! We fish out the secrets of people and civilizations that have been dead for centuries, we tell the world in hundreds of shows, books, scholarly journals, accounts and diaries, and yet NO ONE EVER REMEMBERS WHO WE ARE!!! For example, How many of you know who Howard Carter, Leopold Van Ranke, Edward Gibbon or even Herodotus are? How many of you just went to look up those names? *insert raise of the right eyebrow*

Anyhow, my point is simple: Historian=Gossip=Awesome High Tech Inter-Civilization Over-Centuries Time-Denying SPY

Our Mantra: Curiosity Killed the Cat, BUT SATISFACTION BROUGHT IT BACK!!!


Bri... only she said...

Your conclusion had me buckled up on the floor, unable to breathe! Very interesting logic my dear. Your mind is a frightening place... thanks for sharing! :D


Paige's Pages said...

Ha Ha! I dont even really want to know the life stories of people but they seem to feel the need to tell me anyway,,, :) Remember the movie theater incident? Hee Hee! Happens all the time my friend, all the time! Thanks for making me laugh!

KayKay :D said...

lol Thankyou Nana ;)

Paige! ROFL! You have an even stronger ability to attract these people than me, with the added bonus of a weirdi magnet! Your stories of the hilarious people you meet ALL THE TIME are an inspiration to me! hahahaha

I love you guys!